I have a lot of resentment toward a family member, and I just can't get over it. Please help.

Updated: Apr 22

You are 100% in control of what you think and feel.

It's important to remember that the way our Universe works is like a mirror, reflecting what is inside of us to our outer world. When we hold a lot of fear inside, our outer world might become a scary place to be, for example. As long as we remember how this works, we can make our way out of it.

Everyone in your life, from the neighbors you interact with, to your best friend, is reflecting you to yourself. So when you have a blockage of energy, it manifests in uncomfortable situations around people who also hold the quality that is currently hanging you up. And until you deal with this aspect of yourself, you will keep being annoyed by other people. In fact, the people who annoy you will probably share the same underlying message in there interactions with you, such as "Your time is less valuable than mine," or "I don't respect your boundaries." When you gain more self-awareness, you get to a point where you can stop yourself as you are triggered, and check in with yourself. (For practical tips on noticing your triggers, see my Heart Imagery workshops.)

Next, identify the quality the person exhibits that sets you off. Let's use the example that you are annoyed by this person's neediness, and it's making you resent them.

Now ask yourself if you have ever been needy. You were a baby once, and needed food and protection, and you were a child once who needed an adult to explain how something worked. Does their neediness make you feel obligated toward them, duty-bound and entangled in their karma? Do you long to live free of the constraints they seem to want to shackle you with? Did anyone ever save you from a bad situation, and you felt that you owed them? Or did someone neglect to save you when you really just needed to save yourself?

When we are living unconsciously, we vilify the aspects of ourselves that we don't want to identify with, and project them onto other people, who then annoy us by popping into our lives to show us that we're being unconscious. Our energy resonates, and when that frequency correlates with "needy", for example, it sends out into the matrix a search for needy people and situations. We draw them in by where we are resonating from. This is how the Universe asks us, "When are you going to integrate this part of yourself, and realize that you are still lovable, even if you can be needy sometimes?" You simultaneously realize that you can love the other person, too, even if they never change (and possibly, you might want to love them from a distance).

It can be hard to admit that we share the aspects we despise in others, but I assure you that we all do. We may hate to be told we are lazy or sloppy or a hypocrite, but all of us are, on some level. But once you realize that when you have a problem, you are the problem, it frees you up. You can then stop judging others, because there really is no problem, there are just a LOT of aspects of the Divine running around. Some are creating drama instead of creating more Consciousness. Which one are you?

Here's another example. Maybe you have dated a few people who treated you without honor and respect. And you have been asking yourself why everyone you meet turns out to be such a jerk. Again, you are the common denominator. If these people aren't treating you right, it may be time to ask yourself why YOU keep mistreating yourself. The Universe keeps giving you the opportunity to stand up for yourself, and to say, "I don't have relationships with people who can't respect me." Your lack of boundaries, in this example, keeps you experiencing this frustrating trait in others, until you make the change that makes it go away. No matter how you are being treated in your life, if you weren't treating yourself that way on some level, there is no way anyone else could.

Projections and shadow selves that we disown can be heavy to deal with. You may want to hire a coach or a therapist to support you in the journey toward integration.

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